BLACK AND WHITE ARE THE COLORS OF PHOTOGRAPHY. TO ME THEY SYMBOLIZE THE ALTERNATIVES OF HOPE AND DESPAIR TO WHICH MANKIND IS FOREVER SUBJECTED. -ROBERT FRANK
I wish my life was like photographs so that I could change them from black and white to colors or vice versa depending upon my mood and condition.
Dear Readers imagine you being a photograph so that you can easily modify, delete and update the incidents as per our likes and dislikes, like we do with our photos. I am boring you with my photograph odyssey… so let me come straight to the post on my blog. I termed it as the “black and white days”, you may think why is it so? So for this read till the last
26th January, 2016 till 1st February, 2016
Nights are sleepless with the two tractions attached with a heavy weights, but thankfully my doctor ordered to remove those heavy weight attached to my left leg, and came near me and asked if I could lift up my body with the help of left leg or move my left leg, and to my astonishment I failed, I tried to follow his words for many times but I failed. Yes, I failed; I could not move myself, not even a inch. Only my neck was in continuous motion other than my mouth, even my hands were not in my control, a weightlifter could not lift up a glass of water, this was me the “Failed Me”.
The doc got scared and ordered for spinal X-Ray, till now my mom and two siblings could not visit me, and was I happy that didn’t see me in that condition.
Severe wounds and bruises all over the body left ankle swollen up painted in dark blue color, severe pain unable to life or fold the left leg, right one continually hanged with a weight of more than 5 kg. Uhh! What a Republic Day I was celebrating.
I wanted to move out experience the sun, feel the rhythm on which our soldiers perform their march past, see the toddlers perform in front of President of India but, I was in a room with no scope of sunrays touching my body and greeting me, no fresh air whispering happy and republic songs in my ears.
Soon my thought was interrupted by the team of doctors examining me they said I will be operated, and hearing this I felt like I was in a dark room with no whereabouts of anyone, though I was surrounded by a 10 member team of doctors and my sister along with my dad.
Till now I didn’t understood why operation, please no I will be okay, I don’t want to see that famous operation theater, I am all right spare my body, I am already having lots of wounds they all are paining, bleeding and you want me to give other.
So without my consent the coming Friday was selected for operating me.
So in this way my Republic Day was celebrated, with lots of blood test and continues effort to pull my left leg and other parts of body.
Here are some pictures taken by my sister while I was sleeping on 27th January, 2016.
27th January and 28th January, 2016 were the white days for me, as my mom came to visit me when I was sleeping in the above position, and meanwhile my sister being a naturopathist worked on me and so I could move my left leg and other parts of body and hence spinal X-Ray was put to halt. The doc was relaxed to see me in this state but his biggest tension was to cure my right side acetabulum ring, I remember he discussed about it with my family, that may be my bone pieces would be replaced by artificial plates if needed as they are badly crushed.
I never paid much attention to whatever they talked or showed to me in the CT Scan, that’s why till now my dreams never showed bad omen, I was pretty confident that sooner I may run and receive my post graduation degree at convocation day. I saw dreams me along with my colleagues with whom I worked for 22 days, I used to thank them for coming into my dreams and wandering with me to make me feel good and confident at least in dreams, because reality was painful, and depressing.
Friday 29th January, 2016 was the operation day, so before this I was put on NBM i.e. Nil By Mouth means no water and no food for almost 12 hours before operation, went under Pre Operation Program, my mom came to visit me, I could see from her face, she was devastated to see me in her condition, I know if this was a daily soap then she must have seen a flash of memories which included running, playing games laughing discussing my future plans with her, but today’s reality is I am on that bed, unable to move or eat anything on my own.
If there is god anywhere I pray to her please never ever make any parent face such conditions, it’s heartbreaking.
On Thursday in evening I complained of having fever which was neglected as all thought this must be pre trauma of operation. We all have heard that opportunities knock our doors and windows it is up to us to recognize it, but add one thing even problems knock your door and windows just identify them and check yourself.
In my case it was neglected as they knew my inner me knew that something is not good, my blood pressure used to shoot up, the cardiograms said that my heart is not relaxed.
Finally the day arrived I was ready my clothes were changed now I was wearing the clothes to be worn during operation, I complained about having fever, this my sister diagnosed that it was quite high 103° F, soon the nurse informed it to the junior doctors and antipyretic injection was given to me, I was sent to the OT, but after weighting for 15 minutes the main doctor Dr. Kalla sent me back.
(for those who have no idea about operations pre procedure, let me tell you when a patient is to operated they are not given a single drop of blood as when the anesthesia is given to them it can be fatal, but just before the operation the saline water is injected inside the body so that water loss is low. And so the antipyretic injection was given intravenously causing my fever to go down very fast.)
Soon I was rushed back to my bed; all the doctors were near me, I remember on junior doctor saying, nothing has happened to her she is just in trauma of being operated rest agreed but my savior was confident that I am brave girl it’s not trauma there is something else going on.
Soon a series of test were prescribed, and the nurse cam to take my blood for the various test.
My fever was monitored medicines were changed, and now I understood my biggest nightmare has come true, this place will not leave until and unless my every bit of positivism and hope is broken eaten till the last. The reports arrived and everyone was shocked.
They are my reports when I was admitted in the hospital, the one highlighted showed how my body was affected; the whole thing within me was disturbed.
But when the blood and urine culture test was done, something serous was detected, I was having severe microbes growth in my urine sample, WBC rising, CPR rising (it showed high level of infection), RBC going down i.e. my cells were am not able to consume proper amount of oxygen. This was not acceptable by him, as he thought that this was the biggest mistake done for not going through these intensive tests. I could see anger on his face, he scolded his junior doctors for not taking care of such things, I clearly remember he told them “are you people lost, can’t you see she is a girl her physiology is different, you must have checked all this reports initially, now we will doing the operation later on, and that is not good”.
Initially I never understood why did he said it, but when I returned back home I searched and came to know that these kind of operations must be done within less than a week, else the success rate is very low.
Nevertheless I was put on special diet to have lots of fibers, proteins and calcium as to fix up the biological process and make my digestive system process normally.
Antibiotic resistant test was conducted and I remember they had made me drink more than 2 liters of antibiotic intravenously, I don’t know why but just after two days my drip injections system(cannula) used to get blocked and so to insert a new one every time the hand was pricked due to which my both hand had so many wounds, they used to pain like hell.
Nights and days used to end up only one topic medicines, medicines and medicines. I lost my appetite, digestive system lost its functioning, and physiotherapy was on. But soon other symptom started, i.e. I started having Goosebumps for no reason, it was told to doctor so he went for another blood test and something socking came, my RBC was dropping every day.
Now I was dropping second by second, with no hope to rise back again.
These black days had the most intense black color, no light, no hope for me.
I used to cry “why me?” Now there was no more connection with my inner me, I had lost her and maybe forever. I lost my body, my brain, nerves, cells every one of them.
I lost the hope that there will be a day when I will be ME. I used to have jerks, sleepless nights, pain in body.
Everything was lost and blank and still is.
Hasta La Vista till the next post and apologies for any grammatical errors.